Get Your Freak On

Several months ago, I made a startling realization about myself: I am a dinosaur. Somehow, the present world just can't help but keep slapping my face with the fact that my knowledge on technological luxuries belongs in prehistoric times. It certainly saddens me that I hardly know anything about techie advancemnets (so designed to actually ease modern living, which could greatly intensify my procrastinating, the subject in life I practically majored in) and that I am unable to utilize the world around me due to my incapacity to cope up. Take, for example, Zip files. I have no idea what it actually is and why it even exists. What're their functions in the computer world? What will it take for me to actually feel an overpowering need for one? What is it really for? Even more boggling to me is when there's a file "zipped" inside a zip file. How did it get there and how will I get it out? And despite all this ignorance and humiliation, zip files are a mere percentage in the vastness of the computer world that I am clueless about. Okay, so I'm a stupid neanderthal. I get that already, to the point that I'm actually considering buying the complete collection of "For Dummies" books, in the hopes that it could somehow alleviate this distressing truth. But this article isn't exactly about this. It's just an extremely long and rather unnecessary prelude to the actual topic.

Recently, I made another realization about myself, a bigger, more thought-provoking realization, paralyzing, quite frankly, to any human being who should be capable of feeling remorse: I am a rock. I hardly feel anything the way normal people do, and I don't mean it literally. I mean I am emotionally out of sync with the world. A cold, lifeless shoulder to society. Stoic as stoic can be. The likes of compassion, charity, et cetera, mean absolutely nothing to me. I say this because I just don't care about the normal things normal people care about. In fact, one can even say that I just don't care. Period.

Okay, so we've already established that I'm not normal, that I'm some kind of freak of nature that cannot feel. But my self-assessment keeps falling short on the going-beyond-that part, and that's what really bothers me. And the worst part is, I could care less that I'm stuck with this kind of self-assessment. I'm absolutely fine with it. It's just like that scene from Cameron Diaz' uber chic movie, The Sweetest Thing, where Cameron's character starts sniffing around Christina Applegate's cahracter's car, and finds that her nose had lead to Christina's character's decaying takeout of several weeks ago amidst all her other filth and rubbish of God knows what at the backseat, which she apparently had gotten so accustomed to already that her body just doesn't respond with what would have been revulsion anymore, to the rotting nastiness and foul smells of trash over countless trash of her everyday life, which she had subconsciously built, take-out after painful take-out, inside the enclosed space to create a semi-private (yet undeniably disgusting) landfill that underneath is still her very own car. It's exactly like that! So, am I trying to say that I have become the male embodiment of Christina Applegate's character? Yes, but only in this given aspect, you know, the part wher I've gotten used to this facet of my life so badly that I am no longer bothered at all by the unnaturally weird fact that I DO NOT FEEL.

But going back to it, I can't stop wondering why in the world am I unable to go beyond that fact? I've accepted that I have always considered myself as above the norms in life, why is this any different? Why can't I be above this? Why can't I over-rationalize this particular issue the way I usually do with the rest of the world around me? Could it be that when it comes to human emotions, I really don't have another level? Could it possibly be, that with this newfound realization, I have now become the "Joey Tribbiani" of my own life's tv show? In the hit WB comedy, Friends, Matt LeBlanc's character, Joey Tribbiani, takes pride in having a one-leveled mentality. It's actually the source of all his comedy in the show, because it, in turn, leads to a multitude of idiotic antics and ways (no offense to Joey fans). And if this is what I have become, then it is unacceptable! Don't get me wrong, Joey's a great, fun guy, but I refuse to admit that when it comes to levels of thinking, we are on par. I've always thought that I'm at least a Chandler, or even a Monica, but certainly not a Joey. I'm actually a hybrid of Ross, for his dorkiness, Rachel, for her cluelessness, Chandler, for his sarcasm and bitterness, and Monica, for her obsessive compulsiveness. See how well thought out I am when it comes to even the cast of Friends as basis of mere comparison for my own personality? It just proves how much time and energy I pour into overanalyzing such an utterly unimoportant aspect of my life. And for this, I simply would not be able to accept that I am stupid. That, my friend, is treason!

(sigh) I guess it should be okay to become stupid about some things. After all, it is healthy and it makes one human. But who would want to be human, when you can become a freak instead?

Great, so now I'm some form of earth completely devoid of human emotion, who managed to rise to the social rankings of stupid, but healthy, people, all the while still living in fricking pre-history. Great... just great.

:p

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Quotable quote, not necessarily related to this post, but noteworthy nonetheless:

"Excellence does not demand perfection. Or, is it perfection that doesn't demand excellence? Or is it demand that doesn't require excellence or perfection? Ooh! Or is it mandate?!" - Dr. Frasier Crane, Frasier...

The Big Bad World vs. My So-Called Lifestyle

Having lived my life the way it is, of course I wouldn't really know any other way to live it. The world is harsh, cruel, and merciless. As the popular song goes, "Life's a bitch, and then you die." I strongly believe this, yet so far, I know I have lived the easy life. It's a pretty boring life, quite frankly. And listening to other people tell their tales of drama and hardship, my so-called life doesn't even stand a chance. The way I see it, it's been reduced to a mere existential presence.

But despite all that, I can honestly say I'm cool with it. After all, I don't really have the right to be jealous of other people's trials. I mean, any person who'd be jealous of such is mentally ill and should be locked away.

WEAKLINGS RULE!

I remember back in high school, a science lesson mentioned of Darwin's (of course it might not exactly be by him, he just happened to be the only scientist I know with works in that field) evolutionary theory, Survival of the Fittest, and it sometimes dawns on me that it doesn't just happen with evolution, but with real life as well. The weak ones die out, while the tougher ones live on. After all, life can really be a pretty nasty bitch when it wants to be.

AH, YES. LIFE...

My life was very sheltered. Away from pain, away from dire need, away from most difficulties. I have no experiences of dramatic traumas, no troublesome affairs, no major crises that deeply affected my adopted lifestyle. Sure, I'd go through some problems, but nothing that really influences me emotionally or psychologically. It's nothing life-changing. Especially now that I live a quasi-independent life, my usual problems have now become thinking up numerous ways to splurge on my excess petty cash (can you believe it? My petty cash actually have its own petty cash! Hey, no complaining here...), and daring myself to actually get up from my bed (that's me, such a daredevil!), away from the wondrous powers of television, and actually drag my unwilling behind to eight hours of excruciating work (I've said it before and I'll say it again. Being a call center agent is a thankless, thankless job). I also constantly think up ridiculous excuses to deprive myself of simple hunger-satisfying grub (and it's supposed to be a basic need) just so I don't have to move a muscle (hey, if someone else can do it for you, why bother doing it yourself?). Believe you me, I procrastinate to the fullest degree possible. It's not even an art anymore, I have it down to a science.

So yeah, if you think about it, I think this way of living passes for an easy life. Granted, it ain't luxurious, but so long as I'm no pauper, it sure as hell can work for me.

ME, FOR PRESIDENT

So how do I compare my life to that of the people around me? Easy. It actually all boils down to one thing. Read: I am not "masa". I obviously don't deal with the normal issues "masa" people deal with. I don't speak their language, our brands of humor differ, and I just don't get whatever it is that they get (see? I can't even name their thing).

PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE

The problem with "masas" is that they're so many. I mean, it's like a population explosion in their parents' sleep. And then there's me. Poor lone me. It's like everywhere you go, they creep up on you like your own shadow but the sheer majority of the lot is enough to overpower you till you're in an awkward, left-out rut. They gang up on you because you become different, apart from the rest of the world. And you're left feeling more alone than ever because you can't seem to connect with the majority. Just like high school, all over again.

Life for me is so "wala-wala lang", no matter how big and bad the world gets to be, that sometimes I feel like I'm already above and beyond living. But is that really such a bad thing? More importantly, can that even be considered a good thing?

Eh... I'll let you know when the answer hits me in the face with a brick.

:p

***

Quotable quote, not necessarily related to this post, but noteworthy nonetheless:

"No matter where life takes you, big cities, small towns, you'll inevitably come across small minds. People who think that they're better than you are. People who think that material things, or being pretty or popular, automatically make you a worthwhile human being. I'd like to tell today's youth that none of these things matter unless you have strength of character, integrity, a sense of pride. And if you're lucky enough to have any of these things, don't ever sell them. Don't ever sell out. So when you meet a person for the first time, please don't judge him by his station in life. Because you never know, that person might just end up being your best friend." - Joey Potter, Dawson's Creek...

The Pondering of Drew Carey

I was watching the last episode of Tru Calling, which happened to be one of my favorite shows at the time, one lonely Tuesday evening, when Star World suddenly interrupted it with a Drew Carey Show commercial. I didn't get to start the show, but luckily, Tru, the lead character (duh), has only just been asked by the cadaver for help, and her day had just rewound, so I hadn't really missed much. Anyway, I was no more than mildly annoyed about the whole thing, but this one line in the commercial just struck me. Drew Carey was holding hands with some girl in a diner, apparently lost in the girl's eyes. The scene was made so that the audience will see that he was in love. Meanwhile, for comedic purposes (after all, the show is a comedy), the outside world was ironically the opposite. Seemingly unaware of the riot going on just outside the diner's large window, despite all the people fighting and flying all over the place, police car sirens blaring, lights flashing, car alarms alarming (*rawr*), the whole world literally crumbling to its demise, he manages to just sit there, and gaze lovingly at the girl's eyes still. And after a minute's worth of dramatic pause, he finally delivers his one line: "Do you ever get the feeling that all over the world, people are falling in love?"

Now, I had to smile at that. Then I had to go "aawww". And only then did I decide (yes, it was a decision, for I battled with it for a couple of minutes inside my head) to ponder on his query. And so I asked myself, have I ever felt like the whole world was falling in love?

The answer came simply. Yes, I have felt like the whole world was falling in love. Unfortunately, I wasn't falling in love with it. Yep, once again the world has somehow managed to deliberately leave me behind unawares. Boo, hoo, and hoo...

:p

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Quotable quote, not necessarily related to this post, but noteworthy nonetheless:

"In the beginning there was the world. But in order to mark where the beginning was, we needed numbers. Which makes Math as big a part of life as language, although not quite as big as TV." - Sabrina Spellman, Sabrina the Teenage Witch...