You’re probably wondering why. Why I’ve been giving you the cold shoulder. Why I haven’t returned any of your messages or calls. Why I went from open and warm to civil and cordial. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely pained to be doing all these things to you. I’m confused and I guess a little disappointed that you could just let it be without getting upset or demanding an explanation, but rest assured I am bothered by my own behavior.
The truth is, I’m just bitter. Remember that stuffed pug I promised to get in advance to give to you when I’m finally “man enough” (as you so bluntly put it) to confess my true feelings? Well, it turns out you’re not getting it anymore. I guess times have changed, decisions were made, and now, stocks have stopped production.
So there I was in front of Sleepcare’s glass window, looking so pathetic into the eyes of the stuffed pug, almost as if wishing it would magically find a way to come to life, speak up, and tell me what to do. I know that I must have looked freaky for the people milling about. Heck, at some point a salesgirl even approached me to offer her assistance. Guess what I replied? “No thanks, I’m just wallowing.” I’m not sure she understood the word “wallowing”, though. She had this completely stupid look plastered on her face afterwards, that, if not for the emotionally distressing circumstances that have brought me to where I was that time, I would have condescendingly made fun of without any form of remorse. Well, the pug never came to life, even after our seemingly endless staring contest (and he was winning too). I don’t know if that’s good news or bad. Of course I’m glad that it didn’t, because that would indicate that my sanity was still intact. But at the same time, I was still left not knowing what to do next.
With a last surreptitious look at Atticus (I already named the stuffed animal, how sad am I, huh?), I left. At the time, I decided that buying it would only be a waste of my rapidly diminishing supply of funds, and since buying it had already lost its purpose, right after I read your text message informing me that you were no longer available, I opted to forget the entire concept. I know it seems very cliché, but after I read your text message, I swear I felt the world slow down as I tried to kick my brain to full gear to actually start processing those few words that managed to crush my heart and spirit. Ugh, love really does make you say the corniest of things. But nevertheless, it was then that I was finally able to admit to myself that I really did have these so-called “love” feelings for you. The fact that I even fell in love didn’t even dawn on me immediately, because I find that to fall in love is such a normal human quality that I thought myself completely incapable of, that something this big in my life should be considered news. At the time, all that I could comprehend was you… and that I was not your boyfriend.
In retrospect, all the blame does fall on me. Not you. I never mentioned any of these in your face. I was too chicken, too torpe. I don’t know if you’ve known for quite some time, or had an idea perhaps, and was only feigning ignorance, and don’t even bother to care, but I think I was secretly hoping you’d just catch on, feel mutually the same way, and that things would just fall naturally into place. I guess no matter how much I preach about life not being anything remotely similar to movie storylines, I was still expecting myself to be that one exception. Honestly, I just find this whole situation I deliberately brought upon myself to be so stupid and pathetic. I went on and on about not wanting to tell you so that I would be forever close to you, and yet here I am, heartbroken. What I thought I wanted turned out to be not what I wanted at all. And now, unable to face the simple truth that we will never be “together”, I’ve become bitter. I just can’t seem to get it past my head that you actually found someone else. I know it was something inevitable anyway, but I’m jealous, and it feels like my heart got stomped on, and now, I can’t even manage to pick it up off the floor. I just can’t deal with this, or I just don’t know how. Either way, I somehow came to the conclusion, amidst all these drama-induced crap I’m feeling and experiencing, that if I can’t have you as my girlfriend, I’d rather not have you in my life at all. For some reason, I’m grasping at straws, and I just can’t seem to rationalize how and why I should still be friends with you. It’s too frickin’ hard. Life doesn’t have to be this complicated. It shouldn’t be, even for losers like me. I can’t go on living my life, looking you in the eye, and not seeing the girl of my dreams unsuspectingly pretending to be my best friend. I just can’t. Do you even know that I can’t look at you now? I bet you don’t. Our lives are already meshed in such a way that it’s kind of inescapable that our paths will and will cross. Do you even know how much it hurt to see you in that pizza place? I bet you never will. But at that point in time, it’s forever burned in my memory how beautiful you look. You were simply glowing! And it’s so painful to realize that I wasn’t causing you to bloom that prettily. It was someone else. It was so saddening to see you so happy, because I know that the other man is treating you right. Forget what I said before about seeing you happy is all that mattered to me, that’s all bull! I need to be that guy! So yes, I’m selfish, and I’m cruel, and I’m an awful person. I know all this already. I’m so bitter I even ended up saying all sorts of mean and negative things about you to anyone who would even care to listen. And you know what? I tried so hard not to care, and I swear to God, I really did, but I can’t. I care too much, I’m in too deep. You’re beautiful, and you deserve to be happy. Simply put, you deserve someone other than me.
I’m bitter. And I don’t think I’m ever going to change. And because of that, I’m saying goodbye to our friendship. I’m never speaking to you, ever again, except in cases where others are involved and that I have to be civil and cordial. Because as excruciating as it is for me, as ugly as it sounds, it’s the only way of coping I know how.
Once again, at the end of the day, all I have are maybes. And in this life, you, or the mere idea of being with you in a romantic context, are never gonna be more than my wishful thinking. I’m bitter, and you’re just gonna have to understand that this is me accepting, or at least trying to accept, the plain and simple fact that you’re not mine; not now, not ever.
P.S.
Today is Dec. 27, 2006. Advanced happy birthday… just in case.
:-(
***
Quotable quote, not necessarily related to this post, but noteworthy nonetheless:
Someday, you're gonna realize
One day, you'll see this through my eyes
By then, I won't even be there
I'll be happy somewhere
Even if I can't
I know, you don't really see my worth
You think, you're the last (girl) on earth
Well I've got news for you
I know I'm not that strong
But it won't take long, won't take long
'Cause
Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday
Right now, I know you can tell
I'm down, and I'm not doing well
But one day these tears
They will all run dry
I won't have to cry, sweet goodbye
'Cause
Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place, woh
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, I know someone's gonna be there
Someday, someone's gonna love me
The way, I wanted you to need me
Someday, someone's gonna take your place
One day, I'll forget about you
You'll see, I won't even miss you
Someday, someday
- Nina, “Someday”
